I pulled up into a parking lot across from acres of barbed wire before the sun came up. As I exited my compact rental car and ambled towards the other vehicles, I was thankful it wasn't freezing this time. I walked past cars with kids asleep in the back seat, cars with weathered grandparents, and some for whom this was just another Sunday. All were wearing jeans, no wires, and closed-toed shoes. Those who were awake pointed me in the direction of the girl with the list. As I approached her car, she confidently rolled her window down and I greeted the thirty-something welcoming black woman with a reciprocating smile. We chatted briefly and she put me down as number seventeen. It was five thirty am and visiting hours didn’t start until nine. After a couple of hours reading and resting in our cars, we lined up numerically and I was blessed to be involved in the chatter of stories from the lives of those surrounding me. A few years ago, it would have been different. I would have been quiet and judgy, but something happened.
We all had something in common - our brokenness.
Rarely has a song resonated with me like Matthew West’s “Broken Things”. The last
time I heard a song on replay like I've wanted to do with this one was when I was in college during one of our second floor dorm room parties while Pat Benatar’s “Shadows of the Night” was on for its’ entirety. This one, however, I need every morning. I like what it does to my soul - it's better than coffee.
“Now I’m just a beggar in the presence of a King.
I wish I could bring so much more. But if it’s true, You use broken things, then here I am, Lord, I’m all Yours.”
Upon hearing this refrain, the hair stands up all over my body and it places my spirit in a posture that isn't natural for me - one that is small, thankful, and open - to others. The open hands of surrender look more than vaguely similar to arms that welcome others. If you are not familiar with the song, here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=WdUu6ZsdVfM .
Anyone who has experience with a Twelve Step Program knows what it ultimately produces - not a low self image, but a liberating and utterly honest one (Richard Rohr). Glennon Doyle helps us to visualize this with Russian Nesting Dolls. As our outer shells are broken or taken off, our True Self is revealed.
"In his gospel, John puts it quite honestly when he says that a branch that does not abide in a Higher Power "is withered and useless" (John 15:6). The transformed self, living in Union, no longer lives in shame and denial of its weakness, but even lives in rejoicing because it does not need to pretend that it is any more than it actually is--- which is now, ironically, more than enough!” (Rohr)
The people that I have met in OA have taught me what God has wanted me to learn all along; that I am loved unconditionally and I can stop trying to cover up my weaknesses. Embracing this allows me to embrace others, regardless of who they may be. It has also taught me that no matter how different we may be, we all have something in common. Various religions, gender identities, socio-economic levels, races, and gender preferences can live in Union, rejoicing with one another. We can rest in the idea that we are all beggars in the presence of a King who no longer need to be important or famous or look good, but can let go of that and be left with an open hand for another to grasp.
The song and the prison line prove this; that God uses broken things when we understand and fully accept that we are one of them, then look openly to see what He has to show us in everyone else, as well.
"It's never the perfect, it's always the ones with the scars that You use." - Matthew West
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