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 "What we spend ourselves trying to keep secret is what poisons us most - the thing we cannot admit about ourselves - undermines our confidence, competence, and sense of self-esteem" - Joan Chittister

I stepped into my first AA meeting on an assignment while in graduate school.  We were told to find an "open" meeting if we were not alcoholic so that we could see and experience all that goes on in this widely popular and successful mode of recovery.  What I discovered was acceptance - of everyone - even of themselves.  I saw the truth of Joan Chittister's words once again:  With the courage of self-revelation… the humility that comes frees us for the fullness of life.  This was very evident in these walls.

You see, as a one on the Enneagram, I am a perfectionist.  My natural instinct is to judge people, especially myself.  I thought these imperfect people would be a mess, but it was just the opposite.  They knew themselves, accepted themselves, and because of that, were able to live freely and accept others as well!  I wanted that.  I wanted to be as real as these alcoholics were!  I wanted that humility that lead to fullness of life rather than the pride that kept me in the judgment seat.  When we studied eating disorders in the same course on addictions, it was revealed to me that my over-exercising and extreme fasting was a way to moderate my addiction to food.  I was bulimic.  I had my self-revelation.

Reconciliation begins when we stare our chaos in the face - we will be laid bare and will realize that we are loved sinners, in solidarity with other loved sinners.  - Ronald Rolheiser

Just this morning, Sarah Young said in Jesus Calling that we are chosen less for our strengths than for our weaknesses because weaknesses amplify our need for God.  I needed to embrace my weaknesses. I had heard of OA and contemplated going for years.  After witnessing the deep healing spirituality in AA,  coupled with my new discovery, I humbly walked down the stairs into my first meeting.  I came out of hiding, stared my chaos in the face, and my poison began to leak out.  It was there that I was embraced for who I was, in all my imperfect glory.  The first requirement was humility and it is the medicine of humility that keeps me going back, and keeps me united with other imperfect ragamuffins just like me.

What can obstruct my own growth and potential once I’m no longer hiding from the world?  I have finally separated myself from the false image that has grown up around me… Joan Chittister

When we're hiding we can't see because our vision is obstructed.  As we come to accept and even embrace that which we are hiding, we begin to see more clearly.  We then begin to see through the eyes of the One inside of us - which allows us to see others there, as well.  Richard Rohr states what I have learned; that suffering with others pulls us, pushes us, and draws us towards more love and compassion with all those who suffer.  Rohr even goes so far as to claim that it is those who have suffered and been transformed that can communicate the love of God most clearly.

The writings of many people including Rohr, Gerald May, Chittister and Rohlheiser help to explain how this transformation happens - this movement from judgemental, self-righteous Christian to a ragamuffin who realizes her need for grace.  It basically boils down to two things:

1) "I am finally rescued from the burden of perfection because the world knows that I am not." (Chittister)

2) "This moves us toward deeper prayer, and a more embracing heart." (Rolheiser)

The healing that occurs through 12 Step programs allows us to extend grace and embrace others because we have finally learned to embrace ourselves.  There is a good number of social workers attending recovery groups.  They have found themselves among the pages of the textbooks they have so laboriously poured over and their eyes are opened to who they really are.  They know that those who have been healed are often the best healers.  The best healer, however, entered this world naked, weak, and exposed already.  Then He left the world in the same way.  This is how he drew others to Himself.  So, if this is what is attracts others, why do we try to live our lives looking all strong and put together?